Gun Shy

Over the past little bit I've been thinking a lot about my brother and sister.
The brother and sister I wasn't raised with.
The brother and sister I've always known about.
The brother and sister who've only known of my existence for a couple of years now thanks to their parents hiding it from them.
I've met my sister, Jennifer.
Last year.
I hoped for so much.
She didn't seem to care whether or not she met me.
And we haven't spoken since.
Then there's my brother, Bryan.
Who just got married and had a baby.
My first niece.
He and I sporatically e-mailed one another once upon a time ago.
His mother and I still ocassionally e-mail. Usually ending with me sending her an e-mail in response to one she's sent me and her never responding.
Bryan's new wife seems to have tried to make some effort to stay in touch with me via thank you cards, etc.
I have his home and cell phone numbers.
The question I'm pondering is whether or not I should use those numbers.
I went through a HORRIBLE emotional rollercoaster with Jennifer.
The first time I spoke to her over the phone I was crying to the point where I could hardly talk.
When we met in person I cried.
And I got let down.
I walked away from that experience angry and hurt.
I know that my contacting Bryan will be emotional.
I know it won't be easy.
What I don't know is whether or not he'll squash me like Jennifer did.
In all honesty, part of my motivation with Jennifer is to re-establish contact with my father so that I could coax his medical and adoption information out of him.
I failed in my mission.
Donnie and I don't talk and I got NONE of his information.
Information I believe is important to both me and Bryan.
With Bryan there is no alterior motive.
It's all about getting to know someone who is blood relative to me.
Someone who, according to his mother, I somehow already had a clue about. She tells me that the Christmas gifts I've chosen for him were things he himself would've picked.
That makes me happy.
It's like maybe there is something that connects us that we don't even realize.
Then again, I thought Jennifer and I had that.
The eerie things we have in common like our love of sunflowers, and horses. The fact that I've always volunteered with animal shelters and her job is working at the pound. The fact that, though not in this same category, she looks like a mini me.
She hurt me.
Badly.
Not by being ugly.
But by not caring.
And now I'm back to Bryan.
And whether or not I should bother.
Granted, Bryan is older than Jennifer is.
I also have the advantage (or at least perceived advantage) of his wife seeming to want to be in contact with me.
Then there's a little girl who's life I'vd very much like to be a part of.
J seems to think I should go for it.
His POV is that I won't know unless I try.
Good point.
But that doesn't make me not scared.
And it doesn't prevent me from feeling an immense amount of hesitation.
He's also known all of his siblings all of his life and been raised with them.
So he doesn't quite understand why this is so important to me.
Mom doesn't get it either.
So is it just me who thinks this is remotely important?
To tie the loose ends together.
To at least MEET my siblings and maybe even get to know them a little.
*SIGH*
I just don't know anymore.
I have enough going on with me right now considering my health not being great.
Do I need the added stress right now?
(shakes head)
And back to Bryan is where my mind ends up.
To use that phone number or not to use it.