Illusive Sleep

Got like NO sleep last night....
All of this is weighing heavily on my mind and I'm wrestling with what lies ahead today.
I'd really prefer to just stay in the house ALL DAY LONG - I know he won't do it here.
I have knots in my stomach and I can't even begin to think straight.
What's the difference betwen this and what we're doing? Right?
But it is different.
And my fear of commitment is kicking up BIG TIME.
All I want to do is run away and avoid, avoid, avoid.
Not that I don't love him...
I just don't know that this is for me - like I think it is because I've always wanted it, but it scares the SHIT out of me and I can't seem to deal.
I mean, look at my track record !
Engaged 3 times - never made it to the alter !
Surprisingly he's got a good game face...which I totally didn't expect.
I just have NO idea what I'm going to say if he does this today.
It REALLY bothers me that EVERYONE last night knew about this....
and it makes me wonder who else he's told (like my Florida family).
I would assume his family knows - I mean, if all of his friends know, I'd think that makes sense, right?
Le Sigh...
I just don't know, really I don't.
But I'd think I have to figure it out pretty quick if today's the day, right?