Beginnings and Endings...

Last night J was on the phone with one of his friends, D, who's sister has been having some trouble as of late. We went to this sister's wedding 3 years ago - it was our first "dress up" event to attend together and it was also the first time J and I had a picture taken of us that wasn't embarassing (to clarify, the only other pictures up to this point were embarassing because they were of the first night we started seeing one another and they are of us on a dance floor at a company holiday party. We look like crap because, really, who looks good dancing to disco unless they're posing???) and it was also the first time I really mingled and met a lot of J's friends. This event, from my POV, was like the beginning of J and I really becoming a couple and my integration into his circle of friends. Things were simpler then. I trusted him 110%. I encouraged him to go dance with one of his ex-girlfriends - completely secure that he only had eyes for me and not having it cross my mind that she may have underhanded plans for trying to get him back. Things were good.
Well, last night we found out that the sister is getting divorced.
Her soon-to-be ex-husband has EVERY right to file for divorce and I can't say as I blame him.
You see, she decided to start sneaking around with another guy and cheated on her husband in the process - even going so far as to move out of the house they bought together all the while expecting her husband to just wait for her to get it all out of her system and pine for her.
Well, he may be a nice guy, but he's not dumb, and he's filed for divorce.
I hate to say it, but I'm really glad I can't make it to the birthday dinner they're having for this woman on Saturday. J's going, but I have Mel's bachelorette party to go to so I'm not going. I don't think I could sit at dinner with this girl without wanting to smack her. What is WRONG with her?!?!?!?
The fun of all of this going down is that it's created an upset for me.
She and her soon-to-be ex dated and lived together for a while before getting married.
And look at where they're at now.
Did she fall victim to the 7 year itch? I mean, the timeline does suggest that could be the case.
The thing that's getting to me is my situation with J.
We've now been together for nearly 4 years - and have lived together for 3.
We've kicked around the concept of marriage - usually resulting in an argument and hurt feelings on my side - but remain "single" for now.
The fact that a couple who seemed to have the same path as us is now getting divorced instills fear and unsettledness in me.

Yes, I have a problem with commitment.
Do I want to get married - absolutely.
Does the concept of a wedding COMPLETELY freak me out - OH YEAH !
Do I want to "run" every time J seems to be inching closer to proposing - big time.
But it doens't mean I don't want to be with him and that I don't want to be more than his "girlfriend" for the rest of my life.
(I'm such a mess !)
Watching these two divorce makes me want to run away and not look back.
It reminds me that, yeah, marriage typically doesn't work and it ends in divorce. So why bother?
I hate having these conflicting emotions ! Wanting something but being terrified of it all at the same time !

J could see that I was upset last night after he told me about what's going down. I explained to him that it was really unsettling to me. He kept saying "we're not them" and, though I know it's true, I can't help but wonder if maybe we're more like them than we care to admit. Not in terms of me having a need to cheat - but in terms of marriage not working for us.