A Year Ago....

A year ago I made a decision....
A decision that getting a house was more of a pressing issue than getting engaged...
I did this not to be a martyr, but moreso because I knew that getting out of our apartment was the most important thing for both of us at that time...
I nearly didn't make that decision because I was leaning towards being selfish...
And I stopped myself from thinking like that and chose to think of us as a whole rather than just focus on my own wants and needs...
And here it is a year later...
And I'm sad...
Because a year ago we were supposed to be headed to Ireland for a week and 1/2...
And J's plan for that trip was to propose to me...
And it's now been a whole year gone by and he still hasn't bothered to do it...
And this Labor Day weekend is just a slap in the face of a reminder that thinking of the whole rather than yourself is not always the right thing to do...
Sometimes all it gets you is fucked over and sitting by yourself on a Saturday morning wondering what the fuck you did to deserve this...
Last year, knowing J's plan, I'd figured on planning our wedding for the fall of this year...
So much for my great ideas and plans, huh?
I'm now looking at a year later and realizing that even if he did bother to do it at this point that I would have to wait at least another year before I could even get married...
I'd have the "joy" of being a 29 year old bride, looking 30 in the face and having to deal with the reality that I'm not going to be having any children until I'm at least 33 or 34 - and by then it may be too late if it isn't already and those children may never happen...
The flip side of the equation is this...
If I were to walk away now I'd be in the same boat.
I'd have to start all over again with someone new - and try to build a relationship with them...
And hope that they'd want to marry me...
And hope we'd be happy together...
Then I'm yet again looking at being a 30 something bride and childless...
Great.
Why the fuck do I even bother?
If this is the reality of my life why should I bother with wanting to get married at any point?
For the simple fact that the likelihood of my ever having a child is fleeting and if I am unable to do that then why do I ever need to marry anyone?
Fuck me.
I need a drink.
And as luck has it today is the WINE FESTIVAL and I'll be going in a few hours !
WHOO !
Then tomorrow is Mel's fiesta !
And then I'll be ENCOURAGED to drink even MORE ! ! ! !
SQUEE !
Then comes Monday.
Maybe I should just say fuck hiking and cancel it.
Why bother?
Besides it's getting too cold outside and I don't tolerate the cold very well.
Though for Monday night the next door neighbor has invited us over for a bbq.
So we'll go to that.
Then on Tuesday I start school.
That should help keep my mind off of all this shit, right?
Not only that, but it's also something for ME.
Something to make ME better.
Something COMPLETELY SELFISH.
If I'm not home as often anymore than TOUGH SHIT.
I'm doing this for ME and no one else !
All of my nails have started to break - so I finished them off with the clippers this morning.
I'm seriously considering chopping my hair off as well.
I'm about to make a new start - a reinvention of myself.
Why not change my outside as well?