One Minute I'm UP....

and the next I'm DOWN yet again....

What the fuck is WRONG with me?!?!??!?!
WHY can't I be HAPPY for my friends?!?!?!?
Why am I so selfish? I don't want to be.
:(

Last night I stumbled on an old friend's website - - - I check in on him from time to time to see how he's doing....

He's apparently engaged and his fiancee is having his baby.
I immediately sent him a super happy comment and congratulated him.

While I'm happy he's found someone to love - someone to spend his life with - I'm sad for myself.....

Same old shit, right?

Wah, Wah, Wah.....
My boyfriend will live with me and date me for 4 years and talk about wanting to marry me (for the past 2 1/2 years now) but won't pull the trigger....
WAH ! ! ! !

I know, I'm a fucking brat, right?

I just wish I could feel only joy in these situations.
I wish the receipt of this news didn't always send me into a downward spiral of despair.
Why can't I just be happy for my friends and not think of my own issues?!?!?!

I am so fucked up.

As a PS to the story, this friend IMMEDIATELY e-mailed me an ecstatic e-mail about how he is and his questions as to how I am. Not only that, but he did a whole write up in his blog. (The boy was obviously happy to hear from me.) I know all he's ever wanted was to be someone's husband and father - - - and now he's getting his wish fulfilled. And I am happy for him. He's been a TOTAL mess over the years - getting mixed up in everything from being a born-again-Christian to dating a porn girl. He's a human rollercoaster and I've been there to councel, yell at, and support him through it all. I have no intention of making him feel anything other than my happiness for his current situation. I have to deal with my own shit - - - it's no one's problem but my own.