Snarkzilla Strikes Again ! ! ! ! !
Yes, she’s back.
Back again.
Snarkzilla’s back.
Warn Your Friends ! ! ! ! !
I woke up this morning tired and in a rather surly mood.
To add to my “lovely” morning I received an e-mail from Tex-ass.
And I quote:
“Hey girl. Haven't heard from you in a while. Everything okay. Finally took a moment to look at the site. LOVE IT!!!!!”
Yet another e-mail from her I fully intend to IGNORE.
Part of me says I should just TELL her that I’m cutting her off. But I am, after all, a non-confrontational type, so I’d rather just continue to ignore her and let her go away that way.
Anyway !
Back to my snarkyness ! ! ! ! !
It’s once again all about a certain man in my life who is refusing to commit.
We have passed the 3 ½ year mark (3 years of which we’ve LIVED together) and are about to enter the 3rd quarter of our relationship heading to 4 years.
There’s been talk (for 2 – 2 ½ years of this time), there’s been ring browsing (as recently as a month or two ago)….
There have been arguments and tears.
And still NOTHING.
So now comes the hard part.
When do I stop being a fool?
Where do I draw the line and decide it’s no longer acceptable to continue this relationship?
Not for nothing, but I’m not getting any younger and I’m getting the feeling that I’ve had 3 ½ years of my life WASTED building a relationship that’s going no where.
I do know that my PMS is NOT helping my mood right now, and that this is the #1 topic on my mind particularly when the PMS monster is in full force.
BUT.
The fact remains.
If I were my own friend, what advice would I give myself right now?
We’re going away on vacation in a couple of weeks.
In my mind I’m giving him the perfect set up to do it.
Also, the 1 year anniversary of us buying the house/him not proposing because we bought the house, is nearing. (For those of you confused by this statement, I’ll explain. Last September we were going to go away to
So do I give it until after vacation or until the 1 year anniversary?
I’m certainly not going to wait for our 4 year anniversary.
We won’t make it there unless I’ve got a commitment from him.
I’m being strung along at this point and I’m tired of it.
I’m tired.
I’m sad.
And I’m hurt.
And I don’t want to deal with this anymore.
Everything has to be on “his timeline”.
Guess what?
There are 2 of us involved here.
And my window of opportunity to have children is getting smaller and smaller.
It’s almost like he’s acting like I should be grateful if he decides to deem me worthy.
(There’s that snarkyness again)
O.k.
I’m going to stop now before I get more worked up.
Now where’s my box of chocolates?!?!?!?!??!
posted by Sassy Southern Belle @ 9:50 AM
2 Comments:
At 10:21 PM,
Impossible Jane said…
Hi Liz,
I'm not one for giving advice but here's the devil's advocate coming out in me. As I get older I'm getting more and more untraditional. Perhaps it's the feminist in me. Perhaps it's the jaded Rhode Islander in me. It seems that in some way he has made a commitment to you by buying a house with you and living with you and being with you. Have you talked about spending your life together w/o the marriage part? Kids w/o being married? I'm not trying to say that getting married is a bad thing...I just think that guys freak out about it and our society tells women that we're nothing until we get married; we're not fully a woman until we've been Cinderella for a day. Our laws tell women that it's okay to be married but it's not okay to have a domestic partner (lesbian or heterosexual). It's so ingrained in us that we have to be married to have kids. I come from a twice divorced family...I don't think any legal bind made my childhood more or less happy than other kids.
okay, i'll go before you hunt me down and kill me. Please don't think that I'm not supporting your feelings or desires. It's not my place to be judgemental. I just have to play devils advocate. Sorry you're PMSing. I know how that can intensify emotions by 500%. I'll send you an entire package of chocolate if that'll help. I just had to go buy some for myself.
Be well, Jane.
At 11:05 AM,
Sassy Southern Belle said…
Hi Jane:
Let me start by saying PLEASE don't think I'd hunt you down for giving your opinion or advice. In no way, shape or form would I be annoyed with you.
Now that that's out of the way, I wanted to give you a little more info on the situation. I think a lot of my frustration is coming from the fact that he knows I want to be married and that I want children and that we've had extensive conversations about these topics. Over two years ago he started talking about marriage. I never brought up the topic prior to that because I didn't want to push him. He only wants to talk about it when he brings it up and we've had a number of arguments about it. Also, a year ago we went shopping for engagement rings and he also told me to look around on my own and tell him what kind of ring I'd like.
Then, there was the trip to Ireland. Last September we were going to take a vacation to Ireland. I figured out that he was planning to propose on that trip. Both his best friend's wife and he confirmed this when I told them both that I'd figured it out (and this was after the trip was cancelled that I told them this because I was more than willing to play dumb and not ruin the "surprise" for him. It was even further confirmed at our St. Patty's Day party this year when one of his drunk friends brought it up to me. That night was a whole other drama - bad news - but anyway...). So then came this past Christmas where I was expecting it (because he'd made mention of proposing around that time). And it didn't happen. And he and I fought about it and I nearly walked out on him. At that point he said that he was planning on doing it in the next couple of months. I can now see that he was just saying what he felt he had to to keep me from leaving.
So I'll now jump to the present.
A couple of months ago we had a calm conversation about it and he's told me once again that he wants to marry me and we even went ring shopping again. He even suggested I go buy wedding magazines to see if there were any rings in there I'd like. He was talking about what kind of wedding he wants and who we should invite, etc. Like PLANNING an event here before even proposing.
It's just like he keeps bringing up the topic and then doing nothing. It's like I'm being teased here or something like that. And that's where my frustration is coming from.
And I honestly can't consider his getting this house with me as commitment because he was talking about buying a house for himself when we first started dating - and it had nothing to do with me. And I'm thinking he's gotten WAY too comfortable in that I have been living with him all this time.
I've told him what I want for my life. He claims to want the same things.
Also, on the topic of children, that is a two fold issue. I've had a number of medical problems that may have rendered me barren. Also, the genetic make-up in my family is such that the women go into menopause early in their lives (in their late 30's/early 40's) which I have to take into account if I want children considering I'm pushing the big 3-0. We've talked about it and he's said that he wants kids and has even said that he would want to start trying for them very soon after getting married. If I am able to have kids, I need to start thinking about doing this fairly soon.
J was the product of a VERY nasty divorce and I do understand that that would cause him to be scared. However, I am the product of a once divorced mom, and a twice divorced dad. Not only that, but I've watched family members go through horrible marriages and divorces. I, myself, don't trust men as a result of abuse that's I've experienced at the hands of men who claim to "love" me or men in the position to act as a parent to me. Yet, I think that if two people say they want to be married to one another and they both feel that it's "right" then I don't understand the hold up. I don't believe our past should dictate our future. In conversations/fights we've had, he claims that the problem isn't me or that he doesn't want to do it. Yet he can't give me a reason. I don't think he's being honest with me.
I left the boyfriend before J for not committing after 3 years of being together. I knew he would never marry me and he never played like that's what he wanted. We never even lived together. At least he was honest about it. J, on the other hand, has been the one to start these talks and to tell me to go figure out what ring I want and even has gone shopping with me for rings. If it's really not what he wants then he needs to be upfront about it and stop the bullshit.
Oh, and also, when we went to dinner with my family back in February he ASKED my mother for permission to marry me. He doesn't think I know about this because the conversation happened while I was in the bathroom. (I was actually sent away from the table when I was coming back because the conversation wasn't done yet.) My mother told me about it the next day.
If nothing else, I think his fear is of being honest with me that this isn't what he wants. He wants to tell me and my family what he thinks we want to hear but when it comes down to it, I think he doesn't want it. He's most likely scared of being alone and of me leaving him and of having to pay for this house by himself. He's gotten into a comfort zone and he'll say what he has to to keep that zone intact.
The bottom line is this.
I agree with you that society puts a scary amount of pressure on women telling them that they are nothing until they are Mrs. so-and-so. That's not where this is coming from. I've been fighting societal pressures as well as a LOT of pressure from my family for years now. I don't feel I want to marry someone I feel I've have to "beat into submission" and I also don't want to have to fight to get someone to marry me. The thing with the girl in Texas that pisses me off so much is that no matter how much I want marriage, I'd NEVER get pregnant on purpose to meet that end. If anything, I've made it VERY clear to J that if I were to get pregnant that I'd leave. In my mind, I would never marry a man who got me pregnant because I'd never know why he was marrying me - for me or because he felt obligated to do it because of the kid. I don't believe that a child is a reason to get married. Not that I'd prevent him from being a father. I would want to work together to be good parents to the baby - just not as married parents.
Maybe I want too much. I want to have a man who wants to be with me and marry me and I don't want to have to beg for it or made to feel that I should feel grateful to be proposed to.
I'm sorry if I seem to be "coming at you" with all this stuff. I just want you to know the whole story so you can understand where I'm coming from. I've been in hell for the past 2+ years now and I'm really starting to feel foolish. It's like I'm the dumb girl who's just keep hanging around and believing his lies. The in-house maid/booty that he doesn't have to worry about making a commitment to because he knows I won't leave because I still think he's going to do it.
This rollercoaster ride has not been a fun one. And at some point I think I have to start thinking about myself and preserving my dignity and drawing a line to say "this is what I want" and if he's not willing to step up to the plate then I feel I have to make the hard decision to leave.
Yeah, this PMS crap SUCKS big time. And this is really only one of like 3 things we have to consistently argue about. We don't have a bad relationship, per say, but I'm just so frustrated with him. It's like, don't talk about it or play like that's what you want unless it's true.
I'm sorry if I'm coming across bitchy or forceful or anything like that. Like I said, NOTHING you said annoyed me at all. I totally understand the devil's advocate POV and I myself use it often. I value other opinions and am glad that you shared yours. A lot of times I have to step away and ask for an outside POV on a situation because I'm too close and my POV can be skewed by my emotions. I've looked at this situation from every angle and have gone from being excited about it to barring J from talking about it in an effort to forget about it to where I am now. If anything, hopefully you're still reading this post at this point and you don't want to hunt ME down ! :)
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