Subject: Deep Observations on Life

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather - - -who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

--Author Unknown


Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."

--Author Unknown



"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."

--Drew Carey


"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."

--Jeff Foxworthy



"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"

--Paula Poundstone

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."

--Conan O'Brien


"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."

--Lynda Montgomery



"I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
--Richard Jeni


"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."

--Paul Rodriguez



"Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"

--Warren Hutcherson


"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."

--Oscar Wilde


"Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself."

--Mark Twain


"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan."

--A. Whitney Brown